As he walked down the unlit by-lane his mind was swirling with the events of the past two days. The sudden pain in his stomach, the sickness, the lack of strength, among other symptoms. The tests and possible diagnose. The feeling in his stomach, as he stood there waiting for the lab results, he remembered was similar to when he had proposed his love to Reena. As he had stood there in front of her looking at her in all her beauty and radiance he remembered the butterflies in his stomach as he had awaited her answer.
He also could feel his heart break all over again with her soft voice telling him that it was sweet of him to say so but that she loved someone else. Well he had been taught that if you loved something you were to let it go. If it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it never was. He heeded that advice and let her go. Never to set his eyes on her, ever again for the rest of his life. Only to think about her. To dreaming of her sweet face radiating its brightness all around him , only to awake in the real world his world which was stark and devoid without her, and without her radiance to bring light to his life.
So he lived on. One day to the next. On and on. Trudging. Trying to find a meaning to life. A few he did. And he lived as normal a life can be led. Until a week before.
He had visited the doctor with his symptoms. Unsatisfied with the diagnosis he sought a second and then a third opinion. All unanimous. Then followed the numerous tests and samples. A few hours earlier he had harbored hope in his heart. Along with this hope was the apprehension that had reminded him of the one time that he was able to tell Reena how he felt about her.
The feeling had returned, but this was a different time and different place. It was not about love it was for life. But, he had contemplated, wasn’t it a distasteful life with out her? So wasn’t it true that love and life were the same?
And with that thought in his head he had picked up his report which confirmed his fear.
Stage III stomach cancer.
Too late to heal. Too late to hope.
He smiled to himself as he walked down the dark lonely road. a few hours ago he had stood in a brightly lit room, had asked a old lady with a kindly face for his papers and smiled as she gave them to him. Things had changed in just that much time. Like an upheaval. Night and day. Kind of like matter and anti-matter. Well it didn’t matter any more. But the smile grew and changed to a grimace as he saw the analogy between the road and his life.
Dark, lonely, desolate, void of all life and habitation. No life no joy, no sorrow.
Just a road. Cold, hard, unforgiving and straight, heading unwaveringly to a dead end straight ahead.
Struck in the prime of life he thought to himself. He was twenty-two. It didn’t happen to too many; the doctor had said; it was a rare occurrence. They would have liked to put him under observation but...
“But?” he had asked.
“But” the doctor said “you have just two days to live”.
He probably was still in shock but he somehow doubted it. He vaguely remembered walking out of the clinic. Choosing to take a left and then straight to the short cut that brought him to his present position.
Two days.
Maybe fifty-five hours at the maximum.
His mind was swirling with question and doubts, what was to happen to him after he was dead. What was he going to tell his family? What would he tell them? How would they take it? Not well that’s for sure. It was then he made a firm resolve. This was going to be his one last secret. To tell his family would only bring them grief. And that was the last thing he wanted to see before his worldly exit.
He found him self walking towards his old school, he didn’t know why. All he knew was that he was being drawn towards it.
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He could remember as clear as it was night itself the day he had finally mustered enough courage to go up to her and tell her how he felt about her. He remembered the bright blue sky with clouds floating about like wisps of cotton, fluffy and soft like the stuff dreams are made of. He remembered smelling the freshly mowed grass on the fields. He remembered her perfume that day. Sweet such as to say I am the girl next door, sophisticated as the best super model you ever laid eyes upon. And yet down to earth and it said to him “I’m Reena come and profess your love to me.”
She had stood there in her pleated cotton skirt, books in hand talking to her friends natural as ever. He looked into her clear eyes. Mesmerized by her beauty. Her soft features her small nose. Expressive eyes which danced with life and joy. Her shapely hands, making gestures which passed him by. He drank it all in. He stood there wondering whether to make his move or not. Sad it was, that he didn’t have his friends with him that fateful day to help him back up to his legs after he took that fateful blow of rejection that hit him in the guts which he now realized he had never recovered from.
It was now walking down this road in a life which was on a collision course with death barely 2 days away that he realized that if he died he wanted it to be for her. If his life was about to finish he wanted the remainder to be spent in doing something for the only person he loved out of family ties. The one person he chose to love. For the sake of love itself.
Being a practical person he started planning the last few hours in his life. But one thing took precedence over all. To let Reena know of his dying love;
It wasn’t an easy task he thought as he walked around the school, absently lingering around the very spot that he had stood in when he first saw her, and whether it was his imagination or not he never knew for it seemed so real he saw her walk past him, with the same perfume that lingered in his nostrils.
As he walked about the place where he had spent over 12 yrs of his life he started to think about all the happy time he had had with friends, after all what had his life been until now but a series of juvenile experiences. And as he though more and more he matured decades ahead of his time. He realized that he just couldn’t give up on life. Sure there were experiences he would never experience.
He would never jump off the highest board into the pool.
He would never see snow fall.
He would never see a single wonder of the world.
He would never know the feeling of being loved.
He would die with out his first kiss.
He would never marry for love.
He would never love.
Never again.
And yet he would love her forever.
He realized that there were things to be said, thanks to be offered, requests and favors to be asked, stuff to be returned. He needed to tie up all the strings of his life before he made his final exit.
But there wasn’t enough time. Just not enough of it. Life was short, and this time literally. Once again he grimaced at the direct reference between a saying so abstract and his actual life. Between finding Reena, preparing for his own funeral and tying up loose ends of his life, and spending time with his family he was sure he didn’t have enough time in his life.
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Before returning home he destroyed the reports. It was the only logical point of action to take according to him. He put on what he hoped was a strong smile on his face and entered his house, remained jovial all night and kissed each and every one with a hug before they retired for the night. The next thing to do was to make sure that he managed to say everything he wanted to say to everyone. He wrote out letters to each of his family members and friends. Since he did not have any possessions to call his own he didn’t make out a will.
The next day he set out to post the letters and meet the people who really mattered to him in his short life. Mainly friends’, teachers’ coaches among others. Meticulously he cleared out and shut down his e mail accounts. By the time people realized anything was wrong he would be gone.
More than twenty four hours had elapsed since he had got the reports. He could feel weak in his body and even had trouble standing up. He didn’t need a doctor to tell him now. He knew the end was coming and it was coming fast. He could practically see death walk up to him, and take him by his hand.
Perhaps it was the will to live or the will to love, which it was, he never knew that enabled him to do the following. With one last burst of strength he wrenched free and collapsed in a heap. His eyes were full of horror. The realization that he was yet to make contact with Reena, the most important task which he had left to the last precious hours of his life would remain undone. He sighed. Grasping a marker within his reach he got to work writing on the floor. And then he died.
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It was three summers later. Autumn was starting with leaves turning brown and falling lazily to the earth. A light breeze blew through the trees. The rustling sound giving a calming effect to the otherwise somber surroundings. The rustling of the trees was in sync with her hair it seemed, which blew in the wind same as the leaves, and as the wind changed so did her hair.
But her hair had changed. She had changed. Three years was a long time. She stood there alone. Looking down. A hundred thoughts running through her head. She had so many questions. And so few answers. She had heard stories about how he had taken died, it not informing anybody, and yet taking care of everyone’s sentiments and telling them how much he loved them.
A lot of people had got the letter and thus knew what had happened. Except for her. There had been no letter for her. Which is why she was 3 yrs late.3 yrs too late. She shed a tear, and as it rolled down her face and fell it was taken up by the gentle breeze and fell upon the tombstone next to the flowers she had placed on his grave.
She turned and walked away for she could take no more. for with his last breath he had scrawled out his dying wish. To be buried in a grave with the word for his tombstone.
His family had complied and had it engraved.
His tombstone read
“Reena, I loved you till I died”.
